Update 769.0

I relapsed. Mentally, I mean.

I guess that explains my long absence from writing.

I crashed, fell and came full frontal-face planting into “reality” so I did what I do best and hid away from everything.

The year started good, at least I think it did? My mental health has a great way of coming out of stealth mode when I least expect it. Yet, I crashed. I apologise to myself for not running to my blog when things got scary. I just couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t do anything.

I’ve taken myself off social media. I’m sorry to anyone who cares about me for my sudden vanishing act but you see, it was either that went or I did and I have too much to lose out here.

 

I’m tired but I faught it again. Now I just have to rebuild the pieces once again and try to rebuild whatever fucked up life I had before.

But, for now. I am back and I’ll try to be here more.

Thank you* for being patient with me.

 

 

*whoever *you* are – thank you for reading. Things are about to be wonderful.

 

 

 

Miscarriage and Mothers Day.

It’s been 8 years since my first and 1 year for my last. Loss? I didn’t lose anything. They were taken from me in a cruel twist of fate. I should be begging my oldest child to get in the bath whilst cradling my youngest on my hip. I should be preparing birthday surprises and getting excited for another Mothers Day. I should be watching Nick curl up on the sofa with our babies and watch Lilo and Stitch for the 10,000 time. That’s not how my story goes though. I’m a Mother without a child. A Mother to, a beautiful baby boy and girl. Except my babies are angels. I can never seen them, hold them or comfort them and they can never do the same back. Instead of lifting our babies up to the Christmas tree to place the Fairy on top instead of placing memorial angel wings on by ourselves.

Every year my friend and fellow angel baby mother sends me flowers and a Mothers day card. You see , I am a Mother. You cannot see my children or watch me be the amazing Mother I know I’d be, but I feel their love deep within my heart. They’re with me every step I take. You are a mother. You’re a mother to the most beautiful Angel in the sky. Be kind to yourself this Mothers day.

Don’t forget the Angel Mum’s this Sunday.
C xox