Anxiety is my keeper. Late night anxiety thoughts.

Tick tick tick tick..

My anxiety hears, “quick quick quick quick..”

A constant reminder that I’m running out of time. How much longer until it envelopes me and buries me deep, hidden from the world for the rest of my time here.

No one can help even of they say they can. How can they ever understand what it pulsing through my brain when I can’t even catch any of the words to even elaborate? I hear short, meaningless words. Quick. Run. Die. Fail. Die. The only thing that gets me is my own anxiety. Am I a prisoner to this? Am I destined to stay locked up in this tower to which anxiety has the only key?

I can’t break free and I can’t scream for help because there’s no one to listen. Even if they did. They don’t hear me.

I’m tired of the constant battle between breaking free, waiting to be saved or giving myself completely to my own warden.

I just want it to be quiet.

But still, I wait.

It’s not over til the fat lady sings, and I haven’t sang yet.

Hi guys! It’s been a while. For those of you that’s emailed me worrying about where I’ve been – I’m so sorry. I genuinely didn’t think I’d be missed not to sound like an emo-deep-drama-puddin’ but it’s the truth. Thank you. For every kind message and thought sent my way. It means more to me than you can ever fathom.

Update? Ohh okay then since you asked nicely! 😉

Things are pretty good now at least. I had a bad few months and I couldn’t shake it off. I’m used to bipolic changes in my moods and the spradic emotional challenges but this time was different for me. Anyway, I’ll explain more on my bipolar in another blog.

I’ve also spent the past few months spending time with my sister who’s home for the summer from university. She’s living with me and Mr Clurr til September and I’m thriving with the company. I’ve been outside yes, I went outside! Spending time on the beach with friends and spending time with the loml. I’m eating better and I’m smoking less.

I guess, I took the time out for some self lovin’.

I can’t wait to erupt my head in this again.

But for now, here’s some images of what I’ve been up to.

C xox

Ps; sorry about my face 🙈

The sun rises in the darkness.

I’m trying a different method in my life. One that’s not new but is new to my train of thoughts. Positive thinking.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I lay there listening to my anxiety ticking in my ears, mind and eventually through my entire body so I gave into it again and climbed down the stairs defeated once again. I felt absolutely awful because today’s my fiancés birthday and I wanted so badly to be at my best so we could celebrate together. I cried so hard. Possibly because amongst the shelter of the still-dark-and-silent morning, I knew I could release without worrying or disturbing anyone. I’m so sick and tired of my anxiety ruining everything and anything that’s good in my life so at 3am this morning, I tried to turn it around.

I had a shower. One of those long, hot and steamy showers everyone loves but never seems to get because of life and time. I paid attention to the water flowing down my face and washing down to my toes. It’s been so long since I enjoyed a shower.

Afterwards I dug (quietly) the box of party supplies we have in the cupboard-under-the-stairs and decorated our home in banners and balloons for Nick. I’m so thankful that even though my anxiety cripples me and I have agoraphobia to contend with, we still have a thriving social life and LOVE hosting parties so there’s loads to choose from! I can’t wait til he wakes up.

Once I was done, I curled up on the sofa in our conservatory with the dog, cat and my morning coffee (one of many today!) to watch the sunrise. I’m and do glad I did because the sunrise was absolutely astonishing today. I forgot how beautiful the mornings are.

Less than 4 hours ago, I was a broken mess crying into my sleeve in between bursts of panic attacks, now I’m still sitting in my conservatory basking in the sun feeling so refreshed and content. I need to do this more often.

For now, I’m going to await my beloved and play Fortnite.

Today started horrendous and although I’ll be exhausted later, I turned it around. So today, I’m extra thankful for the sunrise, my fur babies, shower and copious amounts of coffee. Today will be a good day.

Here’s a couple of images to help get you through

C 💕

I’ll forever be in debt for these two. I’d be lost without their company, understanding and straight up cuteness in my life. Belle the dog and Yuna the cat.

Is the end finally coming?

My thoughts have never been so stable in a long, long time.

I feel like I’ve spent the last 4 years in a battle for my soul. Who I am, and what I’ve become never did match up. I was born to create. I was designed to be amongst nature and flourishing within helping people and making people smile. I was not put on this planet to watch people live from my window seat, away from the world. Depression so fucking hard to fight and I’m exhausted. I know it will be back but I can fight again. Now, I just need to claim back my soul and let myself shine again.

There’s so much more of me to give.

Please remember, you are enough. You are worthy and you are loved.

♥

Finding yourself: The never ending journey.

I feel like every 3-4 years I have to die so I can come back again. Almost like a reinvention of my former, broken self. Reincarnation of sorts, only this time, I seem to have forgotten how I did it for the past 12 years or so. I’m just lost. Floating around in some sense of reality, watching everyone else appear to live whilst I struggle just to get out of bed and do last night’s dishes. I’ve lost so much of who I am that I can’t remember how to claw back any of it. Maybe this is just who I am now and all I’m really doing is grieving for the person I was.

What do you do for self care? Any tips on how I can pull myself back on track?

Slam funk the funk. The funkiest of funks.

Let’s start of by saying how difficult the title was to write without “funk” being autocorrected to something I obviously say more than “funk”!

But more to the point.

I’m in a funk.

I’m not entirely sure when this started but I know it was before my birthday (6th of April) and I know it’s getting worse as the days pass. The things I usually find difficult to do are now almost impossible or at least, it seems that way.

I can wake up really good. Really like I can literally do anything I need to and everything will be okay, but then in the next second, I’m in tears, panicking through a anxiety attack whilst doing the dishes. It leaves me exhausted so I spend hours trying to recover from the attack and the next thing I know it’s 11pm and time for bed.

..sleeping is difficult.

..eating is difficult.

..getting out of bed is difficult.

..breathing is difficult.

It’s this everyday. If I’m not numb. I’m feeling everything at once and it hurts and it’s heavy.

I never want to be a burden to anyone so I burden myself.

I feel like a cabbage patch doll.

I’m so thankful to you guys – even if you don’t comment or read all of my posts. I’m thankful for finally not feeling alone in this.

It’s time to get funky.

Claire, the fire engine.

I remember being a child, maybe 4 or 5? In the middle of ‘careers day’ at school, learning about careers and life paths in a way our little, naive ways. I remember the teacher asking us

“What do you want to be when you grown up?”

…a popstar

..a footballer

… a Mum

.. a dancer

Me? I wanted to be a fire engine. I did not get this confused with the heroic firefighters. I wanted to be the truck itself.

I remember proudly announcing to my class only to be interrupted with the roaring laughter of my school friends and my teacher. My teacher. A grown adult laughing in the face of a innocent child. I remember the feeling of my tears pricking at my eyes whilst my face glowed with shame. That was the first time in my life I felt different. I felt stupid.

I remember coming home that night and running into my safety shelter which was my Mother’s arms. Sobbing into her arms I told of my embarrassment and that I had said something wrong. She did nothing but hold me.

The next morning, I woke up to my Mother knocking on my bedroom door softly. When she entered my room she presented a cardboard box, brightly painted red. Pipe cleanings painted silver were twisted with precision to form a ladder resting on top of the box. She placed it over my head and helped my pull my arms through the holes she’d cut out of the sides. She sat down and looked at me in the eyes, sensing the confusion in my mind she spoke..

“My darling. You can be whatever you want to be. People are afraid of the things that don’t fit in their “normal” but that’s okay too. You’ll be a fire engine because to me, you already are”

She doesn’t realise how much that conversation changed my life.

Please don’t ever allow our children to feel like I did. We can do and do anything we wish.

I’m 28 and I’m a mother fucking fire engine.

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

10 Things they don’t tell you when you move out.

1. SPOLER ALERT – Your first place might be be a shack.

We all remember planning our glamourous lives once we hit 18. We’d be free and of the upmost importance, have that AMAZING crib you dreamed of. Reality is, it doesn’t always work out that way. The chancesour you’ll be living in a damp riddled apartment above a noisey restaurant, filled with bugs that don’t pay rent. Cast of furtniture and DIY’s might make it “cute” but I’m afraid this step is almost a ritul to the most of us.

2) You’ll be excited over adulty things!

Changing the dish sponge, finding a Buy One Get One Free offer on a toilet brush and finding that duplicate room spray which is half the price! Things you never even noticed before will make your heart squee.

3) Toilet paper runs out ridiculousy fast!

It’s a luxuary we all took for granted because Mum or the cleaning fairy always provided it, right? Now what do we do? Goodbye socks!

4) The rest of your life will be 50% asking yourself or partner “what’s for dinner?”

I strongly believe this question alone will kick start a civial war. The answer is always “I dunno..” or “I’m not bothered” or my personal favoute – “I dunno, I’m not bothered, what do you want?”

5) You’ll need to know where EVERYTHING is.

You’ll probably lose your bath plug because if we revert back to 1) you’ll probably not have a plug attatched to the bath and you’ll either lose it all the time or have it on string. Most importantly, locating the fuse box (usually under your stairs or by the front door) and knowing what a stop cock is (check under your kitchen sink or in the garden) and where it is, is almost as important as saying stop cock without giggling like a infant (LOL cock..)

6) Your bank account becomes your new parent.

Bills. Get used to the word because it isn’t going anywhere. If gas and eletricity prices doesn’t concern you then you’re in for a shock (Be prepared for peak charges because they have em’!)

7) Your fridge will always be empty.

Even when you’ve just done a grocery shop. You’ll eat like a king for a day and then there’s nothing in. Noodles and toast will be on the menu this month. Which is kind of okay because you’ll only eat three different meals anyway and two of those will be pasta.

8) things you don’t know you need.

You’ll never have enough extension cords and light bulbs. Tupperware is important BUT you’ll lose all the lids. Allen keys, fuses, toilet brush, kitchen roll and DIY tools all go in this catagory too.

9) It’s lonely af.

Weekends out with your friends without a care in the world will become a thing of the past. Instead it will be replaced with binge watching tv and eating leftover toast and noodles. Your apartment will be empty – you’ll crave social interaction more than ever before. Maybe you do miss your annoying siblings after all..

10) It’s not as bad as it seems.

You’ll grow more than you ever anticipated, you’ll learn more and note about yourself and become the wonderful human being you were destined for. It’s okay to be scared, you’ll boss it.

Agoraphobia vs Summer

I hate summer.

Summer for someone with agoraphobia is the same feeling you had as a child when you were grounded but all your friends were outside playing and having fun. Yet all you can do is watch from the windows.

I feel like I miss everything. This is my fourth summer locked in my own prison. Today I got to sit in my conservatory with both patio doors wide open so I could get some fresh air, whilst I watched my fiance and our dog play in the garden. I can hear my neighbours children playing on their trampoline whilst the parents set up a BBQ for their friends and family. I can see the cool breeze,blowing through the trees and I remember how amazing that felt.

I instantly feel fueled with rage and bitter resentment.

I would give up everything just to feel the heat on my face and the welcoming coolness of the grass grazing between my toes. I want to have BBQ’s with the people I love and actually be able to enjoy the sunshine with them. I want to run along the beach and kick sand up in the air, plunging my feet into the ocean and embracing life’s natural beauty.

But, I’m here. Locked up with a sweltering heat that I cannot escape. There’s no cool breeze in my sun trap of a living room. There’s no freedom and absolutely no ocean. You can’t have a BBQ in my bathroom which is the only room in my house that has the slightest bit of cool edge to it.

All I can do is continue to do my time here and hope and pray, that next summer things will be different, oh I hope things are different.

I just want to be free.

Depression’s Ugly Face.

I haven’t brushed my hair in 3 weeks and I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs. (Gross – I know!) Three of my fingers nails show the decaying flecks of red nail polish from my birthday in April and chips that would give Doritos a run for their money. I can’t remember the last time I even opened my make-up box. Sadly, this is a rinse and repeat cycle I’ve been on for 3 years now. Before depression, my hair was always styled and my face was painted to my sense of perfection every single day.

Now, I stand in the shower, with tears streaming down my face as I pull away the matted hair from my head and watch them glide down the body to the bottom of the bathtub.

I’m humiliated. My hair, which was once thick and full of glorious shine and colour, was once the envy of my friends, but now, it’s ruined. I feel like I need to shave it all off but that just peeks at past self loathing, that I can’t afford to go down again.

I have to fight everyday for the smallest things, things that I once took for granted. Showering.. Walking outside, glaring at the sun too much so your vision was filled with white specks of light. Small things are all I praise now. Before, I’d beam at promotions, academic achievements and new cars. Now, I feel like I’ve conquered the whole world when I’ve gotten out of bed and I can somewhat run my fingers through my hair.

I feel like the world is moving forward whilst I’ve gone back to learning how to walk and not poop myself.

I wish I could tell past Claire how great she had it, but..

Today I brushed my hair.